Body

So many people have issues with their bodies. I, of course, am certainly no exception. I know that my body is tall, strong, healthy, capable and worthy of much love and appreciation.

However…..

I became aware of certain differences in the 6th grade. Up until that point, I had been unaware of any problem. I ran, played volleyball, took tap/ballet/gymnastics (I was a Betty Quigley Junior Rockette and proud of it!), skateboarded, biked, swam. In short, I was an normal, active kid. But, in 6th grade, all students were required to be weighed and measured, couldn’t tell you the reason. Two mothers had volunteered to take the metrics for the school and proceeded with the task, one mother calling out the figures to the other, who was keeping the records. I remember, very clearly, hearing “Jenny Jones, 4’4″, 65 pounds”, “Rachel Gordon, 4’9″, 80 pounds”, “Pamela Roberts, 4’11”, 82 pounds”, and then it came to be my turn. The pronouncement was “5’4″, 120 pounds”.

I felt enormous, a giant, a freak.

From that point on, I was aware that I had huge hands and feet. I remember having to wear boys shoes because girls shoes didn’t come in size 10. I remember that the pretty white gloves that I had worn were now much too small. I remember that I towered over the other girls in dance class. And, the worst of all, I remember hunching forward to hide my breasts. It’s a habit I still work to correct.

I still can’t fit in most gloves that are made for women. If I compare my hands with most men, my hands are usually bigger. I don’t have man hands but I do have very long fingers. People always used to tell me I should play the piano. I still have trouble finding shoes that I want in my size. If I do, they are usually way too wide. And the sleeves of most blouses and jackets are way too short. I used to joke about my gorilla arms.

The worst of all is that the first thing that comes to mind when I think of myself is the word ‘fat’.

Can you tell I’m a bit harsh with the body description?

Where am I now that I’ve aged and have removed toxic relationships from my life that did nothing but reinforce those negative thoughts?

I’m glad I’m tall because I can reach most anything and I can see above the crowds, usually.

I’m glad my hands are large and strong and my fingers are long because they have been useful in: massaging tired feet and shoulders of those who are weary; playing the piano and guitar to quiet my mind; knitting hats and sweaters for those who are cold; cooking hearty, homey food for those who are hungry; writing letters to those who need the contact and comfort of a friend; creating jewelry for pleasure; taking photographs to create memories; creating art to express my thoughts and emotions. Yes, I love my hands.

I’m glad my feet are long and narrow. They have been steady and strong as they have supported me on walks through the woods, along so many stretches of beach, around many a lake, through creeks and small rivers, and down the streets of beautiful, lively cities. They have taken me on adventures. Yes, I love my feet.

I’m glad my body is big and strong and healthy. I remove the word fat because it doesn’t belong. I am active and getting more active each day. I am strong and getting stronger each day. I am healthy and staying healthy, even in to older age. Yes, I do love my body.

I have knees that riddled arthritis and ligament tears. I have neck pain from hunching over (a lot of women do this from stress). I have foot pain from wearing the wrong shoes. I have jaw pain from TJM syndrome, I have bone cysts on my thumbs, I have hips that are tight from computer work (my job). Nothing unusual, nothing that most people experience. Even with all of these aches and pains and minor disorders, I am grateful because I am forced to stretch and walk and practice yoga and do strength training so that I stay limber and strong. I do all these things because I want to and need to be useful and active, doing whatever I can to help others.

I may have been the freakish kid in the 6th grade that was so much taller and so much bigger than all the other girls. But I have made it through 61 years with very little injury or disease and I am very, very blessed for that.

Yes, I do love my body, warts and all, as the saying goes