Empathy

Perspective/Cognitive Emotional/Physical Compassion/Action

perspective/cognitive - knowing how the other person feels and what they might be thinking; perspective-taking; keeping yourself at a distance

emotional/physical - feeling physically along with the other person as though their emotions were contagious; looking inwards to identify a similar experience which evoked similar emotions

compassion/action - not only understanding a person's predicament and feeling with them but being moved to help, if needed; balance is needed between cognitive and emotional empathy to enable us to act without being overcome with feeling or without jumping straight into a problem-solving process

Unfortunately, our fast-paced lives don't usually allow us to connect this deeply with others. We must change this - for the good of the world and for the good of our own souls.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

generally attributed to John Watson, minister of the Free Church of Scotland

I like to think we all have some degree of empathy in our natures. I grant there is a part of the population that is completely self-absorbed and unaware of the ‘other’ but I’d prefer to focus on the positive for the time being. Maybe that lack of empathy or the use of empathy with a selfish motive (creating a mental model of another person’s intent for self-preservation) will be the subject for another time.

So, let’s start simply. If someone yawns, we usually yawn in response. As a matter of fact, I’m yawning right now having just written the word yawn. Usually, if someone else is crying, we tear up or cry right along with them. Usually, if someone is angry, hurt, jealous, indignant we can jump right in and join the conversation with equal parts anger, hurt, jealousy, indignation. In doing so, we try to help the other by confirming their right to feel the way they do, their right to have and express those emotions. It may take a few conversations, but it’s usually the way we help others work through problems and find a way to overcome whatever situation caused the difficulty. It’s what friends and families do for one another. A solution isn’t always required; solidarity and support are the things that are key.

Of course, the same is true when we share in the joys and triumphs of others. Much more fun, for sure.

Delving a bit deeper, when we are truly empathetic, we are not standing apart from them, feeling pity and sympathy. We do not tell others that everything will be alright. We do not glibly try to find a silver lining and tell them to move on. We get involved. We listen. We use our sense and our intelligence to deeply understand what the other person is feeling, what they are experiencing, so that we can give them the support they need to work through those feelings. We may not be able to offer a solution, but we can listen. We can share the experience. We can let them feel that it’s OK to rant and vent and feel lousy so they can get it out of their minds and hearts and start see things more clearly and from a calmer perspective.

I’ve just described two types of empathy: cognitive and emotional. Cognitive empathy lets us see the perspective of the other while keeping our emotions at a distance. We use intellect to gain understanding of the perspective of the other: how do they see the situation? how do they feel about the situation? By standing back and listening, we can gain an understanding which allows us to be more able to support and help. Once we move to Emotional empathy, we begin to feel what the other is feeling – anger, jealousy, grief, hurt, indignation, betrayal – and we may even have a physical reaction. We may cry, our stomachs may get twisted and knotted with anxiety and upset, we may clench our jaws or our fists (or both) in anger, we may stomp about to help move some of that physical tension out of our bodies. We go that much deeper into our selves to experience the problem as the other experiences it. We bring ourselves closer to the actual experience of the other person. By intellectually knowing and by physically feeling the emotion of the other person, we begin to be moved to action. We feel compassion and in feeling that compassion we are compelled to action. We feel we must do something to improve the situation for the other person. Because we have felt the other’s feelings so deeply, we cannot do anything else but find a way to help, in whatever way we can.

In my own life, when I have seen an animal in distress, my heart is pained, my stomach ties in knots, my body tenses with anxiety and I do whatever I can to aid that animal. When I have seen another person struggling, in any way, I feel compelled to solve the problem, to ease the pain, to turn the situation around and make all their troubles recede. I have stopped on the side of the road and rushed to hug and comfort someone who had plowed their car into a tree. I have hugged people in homeless shelters, knowing that was exactly what that person needed at that moment. I have let my students stay after school and help me ready the classroom for the next day, knowing they had no safe place to go. I have driven them home. I have given them food and school supplies. In each case, I have been told that I have been foolish and reckless. I never thought before I acted, I felt. Instinct compelled me to action in each situation.

I have been kind and interested in everyone I have met, whether at work, in a store or restaurant, on the street or on public transportation. Other than a very few instances, I have always been given a smile, a nod or a kind word or gesture in return.

In all this, being empathetic, even in the smallest way, has been the best way to move through my life.

However, I have had my share of rough experiences when empathy has led me to lose my sense of self, my awareness of my own needs and the importance of keeping my own perspective.

I have allowed some relationships to overtake my life and I have drowned in concerns of others, who, with awareness or not, have been far too willing to let their own needs take precedence.

At some point in each relationship, I have become aware of the submissive role that I have played and have reasserted my identity, trying to find some balance, some sense of partnership, equality. In each case, the other, too comfortable with the status quo, has responded with anger and disbelief, even accusing me of betrayal.

In each case, I broke off ties and moved on.

Now, I ask myself, who was to blame? I want to find fault with the other, but really, I have myself to blame. I have not been smart in how I’ve begun relationships, being much too willing to dive in the other’s viewpoint, putting all my energy into making life better for them or at least trying to do so. I have rarely put that same energy and time into creating and maintaining an equal standing with others. The time and energy and effort I invested in others was rarely given to me.

Certainly this is not true of all my relationships. I have been so fortunate to have a very few good, loving friends and family members, people who are just as interested in me and my thoughts and feelings and I am in them. I treasure them all and have been so sad to see some of those lovely people pass. Just last year, I lost two dear, dear friends. I think of them every day.

I have also had difficulty managing good partnership with the men in my life. I have been married and have had several relationships, all of which were OK, but not great. I have never felt that I was able to establish a true partnership, a blending of personalities, a coupling of equals, a meeting of minds and hearts and souls. It has always started with heat and passion but soon degenerated in the same roles played in the past: I became the worker bee and was taken completely for granted. But the questions are these: Did my partner just become lazy and did he knowingly take me for granted? Did I enable him to do so by taking over all the duties and chores of daily life? By making myself the one to depend on, did I make myself subordinate to his needs? By not asserting my needs, did I make them less important?

In other words, by being too empathetic, by wanting to take care of someone else, by putting their needs ahead of my own, did I sabotage my relationships, cause my own pain and, in effect, actually betray the trust of my partner?

I don’t know. I keep thinking that if my partners had been as empathetic as I, we would have been on an equal footing. I wouldn’t have had to say “this is what I need”, they would have asked, they would have known. Perhaps I have expected too much.

In all fairness, though, that’s what I did in each relationship. I asked. I made it my business to know what each person needed and I did my best to provide for those needs. Not once has a partner gotten to know me well enough to anticipate my needs or know when to ask if something was needed.

This has been a great disappointment. I think I may find the answers to my questions at some point, but now is the time to focus my energy elsewhere.

As I move on in life, I’m going to use my empathetic nature in wiser ways.

I’m going to find a balance between the cognitive and emotional types of empathy and use them, in the future, for compassion and action. Not in personal relationships (at least not for some time yet-I have a lot to learn) but in the world, in the situations in which I am placed, for the people I see in need, for the organizations that need assistance to do the good in this world.

This is the only way I can see to move forward, to move beyond pursuing relationships doomed to failure and heartbreak. The time and energy and effort I have expended on so many disappointments needs to be channelled into areas where the most positive impact can be felt.

And that is to send that empathetic energy outwards – toward those in need. To people who don’t need to know who I am or what I need.

I can give without needing anything in return.

That, I believe, will the most satisfying, fulfilling way to spend my time, energy, effort and love.