It’s Been a Minute….

I haven’t posted anything for quite some time and I have no excuses, not that I feel I need to be excused. I do have reasons and it’s finally a good time to put all the thoughts and experiences I’ve had over the last several months into written form. They have been swirling around in my brain for far too long and it’s time to move on. Since my last post, it was recommended that I start taking an anti-depressant. If you’ve read my previous blogs, you know that I suffered a terrible loss when my sweet companion, Max, lost his life as the result of an auto crash. Life and home and heart felt so empty and quiet and I was advised that I needed some help to get over the loss but also to ‘re-set’ my brain after the concussion i sustained in the crash. I took the drug for a few months and did notice a leveling-off of emotions. I did not dwell on the loss of Max any longer and got on with the business of life. I went to physical therapy for the other injuries sustained in the crash, visited friends I hadn’t seen in many years, celebrated a wonderful Halloween, enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas with family. I did notice that, while participating in all these pleasant gatherings, I didn’t feel joy. I didn’t feel sorrow either. No highs, no lows, just ‘even’. Not that my highs are manic or my lows depressive but they were an acknowledgement of absorbing and ingesting each experience, making memories that would, in future recollection, evoke an emotional response, either good or bad. Although there is nothing wrong with ‘even’, I missed feeling. I missed laughter and tears, I missed part of what it is to be human. So,

I started to taper off the dosage and finally stopped altogether in late December. It took about a month, but I now have my emotional self back and although the sorrow from so many losses hits me hard now and again, I don’t mind at all. I understand now that there is a usefulness for difficult emotions. I read something recently that we should be grateful for difficulties and trials in life because they are an opportunity to live life above the trials as opposed to being crushed beneath them. We are given the opportunity to see what is possible because of the difficulty instead of remaining in stasis, unable to move beyond loss or strife.

For example, when I think of certain times in the past few years that I’ve really been struggling I can see now the way I’ve been able to rise above the trouble.

When I think about the marriage I was lucky to survive, I realize that to love someone, to be a partner in relationship, to be a good friend, to give 110% does not mean to give up self and identity. It does not mean to allow the other to take and rarely give, to act as an owner rather than a lover or friend, to assume that all energy should be spent on their comfort and happiness alone. I allowed that to happen, not just in two marriages but in two friendships as well. All of those people are now out of my life. When I remember that total loss of self, I’m surprised I was able to find the nerve and the courage to pack my things and leave, recovering myself with every inch, every step I took, every mile I drove. I would go back to being the person that gave over her life to another. Having had such awful relationships, I have come to realize that what I think, feel, need, want are very important. My thoughts and ideas and opinions have merit. My life, my self, my body are not to be owned but to be appreciated, cherished, and loved. I am to be accepted for who I am and what I am not for how I can mold myself to the other’s needs and desires. Not one of those people ever saw me as a person. They only saw me as a sexual being or as a helpmate or caregiver. The interest in me stopped at those points. And I realize now that I played that game, thinking I wasn’t good enough. Coming out of those terrible relationships as given me a greater appreciation and love for myself. An invaluable lesson, though hard won.

When I consider the job I have which requires me to sit at a computer 8 hours a day, reviewing/approving/moving data, I become very frustrated. The work I do does not produce any good in the world: it has no positive impact on society, on the environment, on the spiritual or emotional lives of the people on this planet; it does nothing but create wealth. The work I do is monotonous, tedious and boring and I am required to produce, produce, produce without hope of advancement or raise in pay. This used to bother me terribly. But, I am beginning to change my perspective. Without this job, I wouldn’t have been able to spend so much time with Max (I work from home). I would not have been able to leave an abusive husband and still maintain the salary and benefits I am blessed to have. I would not have been able to stay with my mother when she was ill, taking the time to work but also to tend to her needs. I would not have been able to begin a life of yoga and meditation in the morning, not having to spend time commuting. So what I have looked at, for many years, as a trial I now see as a blessing. This job, difficult as it may be to love, has provided me the opportunity to do many things I would have otherwise been unable to do. When I think of the the loss of Max, a crushing blow, I have begun to realize this has allowed me the time to join a singing group, to travel more, to spend more time with people. He was a gift from God and my relationship with Max was the thing that got me through a difficult marriage and, I’m sad to say, became a source of comfort that gave me an excuse to hide until I was able to join the living again. Max was the gift from God I needed but I had to let him go when it was time. The crash, as awful as it was, forced the issue.

The post-concussion issues are presenting me with a new challenge. Most of the physical injuries are resolving but the TBI has caused issues with my vision that are taking longer than expected to heal. I have difficulties reading, working on the computer (which, of course, makes working that much less enjoyable) and moving about in the world. I am doing visual therapy and I do see improvement but it’s going to take time. I have found, through this particular trial, a reserve of tenacity I had forgotten I had. I refuse to let this visual issue stop me from doing all the things I enjoy (reading, writing, knitting, beadwork) so I fight through all of the double vision, the difficulty focusing, the headaches. This will not beat me, of that I am completely certain.

So, I’m back to the blog world. I’m back with many topics on which to write, many stories and characters to explore, poetry to express the wonder with the world.

Hope you like what you read.

More to follow, soon.