RESOLUTION

(formally titled The Retroactive FUCK YOU)

The beginnings of new-found freedom came my way on July 20th, 2020. Since that day, I have begun to re-discover my voice and to use that voice to speak without much care for the opinion of others. As an empath, I am always aware of another’s feelings, and while I no longer worry about or fear another’s opinion I would never wish to cause distress to another either. Such liberation was hard to imagine a few short years ago and I’m still navigating my way. I may be on the far end of the spectrum at the moment, but I will find a happy medium eventually. There are still a few obstacles to be overcome. The memory of the trauma of abuse continues to haunt my emotional life – I still hear his critism, his hateful words, his threats to me, my family, our pet. I still wait for calls or texts tracking my movements and activities. I still feel the guilt of time spent with friends and family. I still wait with anxious tension for the next ambush of temper, flashing and crashing, stormlike, with no warning or cause. I believe it is time to purge my mind and body of his presence, his voice. He has no right to occupy my life and I have no wish to allow him to continue to do so. So I’ll purge away and hopefully find some resolution. Here we go…..

for every lie you told, and there were many – FUCK YOU!

for every threat you made, to me and my family – FUCK YOU!

for every jealous moment, unfounded – FUCK YOU!

for every act of possesiveness, over my entire life – FUCK YOU!

for treating my body as if you were owner – FUCK YOU!

for every accusion of infidelity, all baseless – FUCK YOU!

for every petty criticism, which were constant – FUCK YOU!

for every failure to listen, each day – FUCK YOU!

for every time my existence was belittled – FUCK YOU!

for every time I was expected to change to please your or your friends – FUCK YOU!

for every time my appearance was disparaged – FUCK YOU!

for taking no responsiblity in our daily lives – FUCK YOU!

for not feeling the need to provide for my care after your death – FUCK YOU!

for greed, manipulation and financial dishonesty – FUCK YOU!

for derision of my growing spirituality – FUCK YOU!

for invasion of any personal space and time – FUCK YOU!

for no possibility of physical contact without sexual context – FUCK YOU!

for refusal to eat food which was lovingly and thoughtfully prepared – FUCK YOU!

for every time you mistreated our pet – FUCK YOU !

for every time your criticism was born of low self-esteem – YOU ARE FORGIVEN

for every time your nastiness was fueled by drunkeness or intoxication – YOU ARE FORGIVEN

for every time your bouts of temper were based on fear of failure – YOU ARE FORGIVEN

for every time your behaviour was spurred by your own experience of abuse – YOU ARE FORGIVEN

for every time your jealousy was in response to having been betrayed – YOU ARE FORGIVEN

for every time your dishonesty was part of adolscent immaturity – YOU ARE FORGIVEN

for every time you did not listen becuase you had not been heard – YOU ARE FORGIVEN

for every time you belittled because you had been bullied – YOU ARE FORGIVEN

for every time the man you really are showed me his love, thank you i wish i could have seen him more, he showed himself so rarely i kept waiting for him to be strong enough to overcome the coward who continuously pushed him down, drowning him with drink he never was never strong enough I loved him so and love him still I mourn his loss you could not fill his void and, sadly, you feel this truth but do nothing to change you killed the man i love i cannot live with his killer

you are no longer allowed access to my heart, my mind, my body you are no longer allowed to be present in my daily activities you are no longer ‘owner’ of my life

I RECLAIM ALL OF MYSELF

I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING YOU TO CONSUME MY ENERGY

I RECONCILE THE LESSONS LEARNED WITH THE PAIN BORNE THROUGH THAT PROCESS

I RELEASE THAT ANGER, THAT DOUBT, THAT OPPRESSION

AND CONTINUE ON THE PATH OF FREEDOM