When I was a very little girl, about 8 years old, my mother became terminally ill. I was the only girl with two brothers, one 4 years younger and another 3 years older, and a father who was desparate to keep his wife, his great love, healthy and alive. I took care of my brothers and father, did the housekeeping, the cooking and assisted my father when we went to the grocery store. I took care of my mother as best I could and accompanied her to radiation treatments each week. I watched my older brother retreat into his room and his thoughts, my father become confused and anxious, my younger brother struggle without his mother and my mother waste away. She lasted only a year and half before gathering us in her hospital room to say goodbye.
From that point on, I’ve felt my worth is based on my ability and my desire to care for others and do whatever I can to solve their problems or to ease the difficulties they face. For the most part, that’s been a very good and rewarding way to live because I’ve found great purpose and fulfillment in helping those in my family or my circle of friends and those in need in the larger community. If there is a need, I feel compelled to meet it.
However, taken to the extreme, in every signifcant personal relationship I have forgotten my own needs and played the role of acquiesing sidekick or accomodating spouse/girlfriend. I have been drawn to those who I believe I can help or to whom I can bring joie de vivre or to those whose pain I believe I can relieve or erase. As a true empath, I took on all their pain, anger, depression, anxiety. I thought that by understanding and absorbing their feelings, I could relate to them how I would deal with those emotions, therefore solving the problem, coming to the rescue. I thought that by showing them a positive way to view the world, my way, I would influence their perspective.
Call it naivete, idealism, egomania, whatever, it’s all to my discredit. In essence, I presented a false face to those with whom I was in relationship. For this I am deeply sorry. Henceforth, I strive for honesty in all relationships.
Unfortunately, those people to whom I gave myself were savvy enough to know a pushover, a dupe, an easy target for manipulation and they took full advantage. I don’t believe this was done in a conscious or malicious way but it was done and I allowed it.
I spent years denying self, denying talent, denying desire, denying my own emotions to invest all my attention, time, energy on others.
I will never stop being an empath. I will never stop trying to understand and help others through whatever adversity they face or whatever issue with which they struggle. That is part of my story, it’s how I was formed and I won’t deny that deep part of myself. Now, however, the alarms start to sound when I think I can solve the problem, banish the adversity, deal with the issues.
I can listen, understand, empathize, sympathize and offer suggestions to help. I can offer to do whatever I can. UP TO A POINT.
The point at which I stop is the point when I no longer find myself in the situation. I will never lose sight of myself again and find myself stuck in a life I don’t what to lead and living a life without spark or joy.
Never again.
Fast forward to today. Several toxic friendships terminated. Alcoholic and emotionally abusive husband divorced. A new tribe has been found, new friendships have begun. A new way of life has begun with a new focus on what I want to do and how I want to do it.
I haven’t found that one true passion that will consume my life, as so many people have. I’m not even sure I want that – there are too many possibilities, too many things that I am interested in experiencing. I may be good at some and lousy at others, but I want to try so many different things in life. I want to get a spark of joy out of each venture, even if I fail. Regardless, I will have tried, experienced, lived and enjoyed.
All on the road to find out.
So on and on I go, the seconds tick the time out There’s so much left to know, and I’m on the road to find out. Yusuf/Cat Stevens
sorrowful/empathetic/introvert 